Things You Really Don't Want to Know.....

Things you really don’t want to know…

Have you ever given thought to what lurks around you as you settle in for your flight? Did you ever wonder just who (or what) last sat where you now rest your derrière? Do you really want to rest your head on that headrest? I personally try not to think much about “what was”, but the more I see, hear and read, I can’t help but wonder about it.

A recent article by Scott McCartney in the Wall Street Journal Online was a clear reminder of just how gross flying can be. The article pointed out some of the “surprises” that await when one peeks into that infamous “seat pocket in front of you”. How about a dirty diaper in the vomit bag (and what does that leave you to puke in after you get a whiff??)? Or maybe a few bogeymen filled tissues from that cute little toddler who charmed all the flight attendants? Just think of the images you can conjure up with a little imagination. Here’s a short quiz for you:

1. You have just settled in, ready to prepare for that dream job interview that awaits at your destination, when you suddenly feel something wet beneath you. Is the source:

1. a spilled drink from a previous passenger ?
2. the aftermath of recent Mile High achievers ?
3. an overactive bladder?
4. sweat from a nervous flyer?

2. You drop your pen and as your hand is searching for it on the floor you feel something sticky. Is it:

1. syrup spilled from someone’s breakfast ?
2. discarded juice from a juicy box ?
3. gum little Joey decided to “hide” from mom?
4. A souvenir from someone’s nose?

Whether you answered a, b,c or d to either of these questions, the result is the same…they are all disgusting. So, next time you hear the flight attendant say to reach into your seat pocket to review emergency procedures, you might want to think twice; after all, how badly do you REALLY want to know?

Better get in Line

04/15/08

Have you ever stood in the “blocking the aisle” line on an airplane, waiting with the rest of the 100+ people in coach to use the bathroom? Have you observed people squeezing through those bathroom doors, questioning to yourself if they will ever be able to squeeze back out? If you ever wondered what goes behind those bifold doors, here are some reasons (and people to blame) for the tie-up that may spark the imagination.

Most everyone knows about the Mile High Club, but for those who don’t, it has nothing to do with Denver. Even actor Ralph Fiennes (whom I doubt was traveling coach) reportedly had a mile high experience last year with a Qantas flight attendant aboard an India bound flight (she is undoubtedly now an EX-Qantas flight attendant). While it may be exhilarating to “join” from the confines of your seat with a nice large blanket over you (not that I would know anything about that!!), I just can’t get excited about the thought of sex in an airplane loo. I mean come on, half the people on the plane can barely get their OWN pants down in one of those places. Anyway, I’m sure there are lots of creative people who actually get pleasure from contortions and leg cramps during sex.

Another possible reason for the bathroom back-up (and further delays) is the toilet backup. A passenger returning from the lav aboard a Canadian plane didn’t realize it at the time, but after overhearing flight attendants discussing a “suspicious device” found clogging the lav, discovered he dropped his iPod down the toilet. The scenario that followed would have been hilarious in a pre-9/11 world, but not today. The plane was diverted for an emergency landing, officials were called in and passengers were individually interrogated (for full story see http://www.orato.com/current-events/2006/08/29/don-039-t-drop-your-ipod-airplane-toilet?page=8)

The moral: leave your iPod at your seat or face the wrath of the TSA!!

And, finally, this just might answer why the TSA limits carry on liquids, gels and aerosols to just 3 oz. A passenger aboard an airliner in China was taking too much time in the lavatory and, when water was noticed coming out from under the door, the flight attendant opened it with a key. What a shocker!! There was a half naked man taking a bath in the toilet who asked the flight attendant for soap (did he think he was going to smell better bathing in the commode?). If he had more than 3 oz. he could have been in there for the entire flight!!

So next time you feel even the slightest urge to go, better get in line…..you never know just how long you’re going to have to wait……..

Travels with Mary Jane and Friends

In the old days of travel, before tighter airport security, I traveled to Hong Kong with friends who very discreetly carried marijuana in their cigarette packs; needless to say, it went undetected (or I’d be writing this article from a Chinese prison somewhere…guilty by association!). Fast forward to this new age of increased airport security, where trying to bring some “recreational” fun on board with you is a little trickier. Here are a few of our favorite “nice try” stories that might make you think again (or not!).

1) A British woman attempting to get through Australian Customs in Sydney was arrested when 260 grams of heroin was discovered in her vagina....doesn’t it make you wonder who made THAT discovery? (Sep. 26, 2007)

2) A Suriname women was arrested in Amsterdam, Netherlands when Customs officials noticed her leg cast was a little too thick. X-rays revealed no fractures but drugs (3.3 lbs of cocaine, to be more specific). Damn those sniffer dogs!! Next time maybe she should throw a few dog treats in there, too. (May 11, 2007)

3) Months before he was arrested on dog fighting charges, Michael Vick apparently didn’t think trying to carry a 20 oz. bottle of water through security in Miami (when the limit is 3 oz.) would raise suspicion. That big rascal really didn’t want to surrender the bottle to security and who could blame him…turns out that bottle had a hidden compartment. And, if it looks like weed and smells like weed, chances are....well, you know. Do you think being tackled too much clouded his judgement? (Jan. 18, 2007)

4) Say it isn’t so! Two men boarded an Orlando to San Juan flight carrying 14 guns and 8 pounds of marijuana. How did they get through security screening? They worked for one of the airlines and used their employee badges to bypass security. Oh, yes, by the way they were arrested, leaving 2 job vacancies at Comair…….any takers? (3/19/07)

5) A man traveling from Jamaica to Barbados was sentenced to 5 years in prison after authorities found 17 packages of marijuana in his luggage. He could have paid a fine to avoid the sentence, but declined. Maybe the authorities could have cut him some slack and let him sell a package or two to raise funds? (Nov. 14, 2003)

Until next time, folks, bon voyage